i don't like sucking hair
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
