It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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