my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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