My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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