i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Everyone says I win the strip club
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
