my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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