how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
