i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
