you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Randomize
