He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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