How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
