we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
