Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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