I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
