i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
