is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
