Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
