the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
