i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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