literally had 100 drinks last night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
