Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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