what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
