Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
