And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
