i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have feelings that need drinking.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
