the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
