Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
