I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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