turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
