honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
