i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My pussy is not your playground.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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