Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
