This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
