When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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