had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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