No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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