just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My cat gives me a boner
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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