And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
