Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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