Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
