I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
