You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
