I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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