I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
