I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
