My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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