she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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