I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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