Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
