I wannas sexs uuuuu
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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